Changes...
As mothers, we sacrifice so much, our body, our mind and even sometimes our sanity. One thing I've learned is that nothing is ever that simple. One mistake, one change, can alter the way our lives as a whole change. These last couple of weeks have felt like an everlasting change. When the kids were born I chose to stay at home with them for as long as I could. I had the privilege of being a freelancer which allowed me to work from home and just being away from them for a couple of hours; literally a couple of hours. Financially I have always had that independence and have thrived on that. No, I wasn’t rich and I definitely am not close now.
When M (my son) was born I stayed with him until he was about 4 months. I felt horrible having to leave him so soon, but bills needed to be paid and he would be with his sister B while my oldest was in school. These moments at work were dreadful, not being able to nurse him and having to head to the bathroom to pump out milk. Once I got home I ran to them and didn’t let go. But that’s not the point of this post. A couple of weeks ago hubby and I decided that it was best for our family that I stay home with the kids. BIG decision for me to make simply because I would be giving up that part of me that I was so proud of. When it comes to the children I would do anything and everything to better their lives.
With taking B to physical therapy (PT) twice a week and M’s rotation of therapists that would be at the daycare. It was beginning to take a toll on me physically and, I have to admit, mentally. I only got to speak to M’s therapists via texts or phone calls. So, I honestly wasn’t sure what they were doing with my son. I trusted that they were doing their jobs, but I never really knew. Any mom with a son or daughter with autism wants to be there to make sure everything is good. B was getting so tired running around that I honestly felt I was causing more damage than good. Dropping off my oldest at camp over the summer then M at daycare to hop on a bus head to her PT and then back to daycare all while trying to make it into the city before 11 am so that my boss wouldn’t make me take the day off, felt like I was failing as a parent. This is in no way offensive to any working moms, I was one and still have that feeling.
What I mean was that I was actually causing more of my daughters’ pain by having her run from place to place trying to make it on time. Which negated taking her to PT, her legs were hurting, and I would be the reason. I never wanted to be the cause of any of their pain, crying about it and not knowing what to do. Hubby and I had the talk, it was a choice that we both agreed would be best. It still feels strange to say that I am a stay at home mom. Changes are something that we fear and learn to embrace. I wanted to share this with you so that you know what has been happening in my life. My blog will have most of the same posts, beauty, family, health and lifestyle. Just with a twist.
