No more kids...
Vulnerable Alert!
Our youngest turned five last November. If you’re a follower then you know that he’s on the autism spectrum. We have five in total, two from a previous on both sides, and our little man. The idea of having more children has always been something lingering in the air. The conversation always ends with maybe when the kids get a little older.
After my third C-section, recovery was harder and more painful. I’ve been told that having any more children should be out of the question. With each C-section scar tissue builds which my doctor said could be dangerous so it was recommended not to. In all honesty, this broke my heart. Yes, we have a house full of children but I would love to have the option for more. I have been on the pill since MJ was born. The idea of getting my tubes tied was out of the question. So birth control it is, I chose the pill because I was very sensitive to other types of birth control. When MJ was about three, we discussed the idea of having more. We decided then that not right now, I am studying for my degree and being a stay-at-home mom, self-employed, taking care of a special needs child and B starting Pre-K, and my oldest I had my hands full. 2019 brought a new arrival to the family. My baby nephew was born and the thought that maybe we can have another came to mind.
Covid hit and we were all locked into our home. Unlike some families, we were actually fine with being home. Everyone was getting along and overall we were all doing alright. I realized over time that I have been gaining a lot of weight and it wasn’t just covid weight. I’ve been on long-term diets that were not working. During this time I needed to find a new GYN. After my first virtual appointment, Juan and I sat down and really discussed if more children were in our future. He is in his 40’s and I am in my mid 30’s. Is this a good idea? Do we really want to be in our 50’s going to high school graduation or ’60s for a wedding? Would it be fair to our kids now?
I wanted to be selfish and say YES! I want more and how could I not. Even though I have a small family here in NY and my biological family in Rhode Island is big. I always wanted my children to have siblings that they can rely on and love one another. But it isn’t just about me. I make a big deal about making sure I spend time with each of them and sometimes that could be difficult, especially with MJ. I would never want to take that time away from them and a new baby would definitely do that. Juan and I decided no, it wouldn’t be fair to the children even if we did want more.
My in-office appointment with my GYN was coming up and I planned on speaking with her about tying my tubes. I walked into the office while speaking to one of my best friends about what I was about to do and she understood exactly how I was feeling. I was nervous, scared, and deeply sad because I felt like I was both doing the right thing but also doing something I never in a million years thought I would. After speaking with my GYN and her seeing how even though I logically had valid reasons to not have any more children she could see how this would hurt me and said she wouldn’t advise me to have the procedure. After a long discussion about long-term options and what I felt comfortable with we decided on a birth control implant. It lasts three years. We agreed to follow up on how I felt and decide later if I truly want to tie my tubes or continue with the implant. I went home feeling lost and utterly alone. After talking with Juan he agreed that I may have regretted the procedure. In the end, we both agreed MJ would be our last and we are alright with that. We have a house full of love and laughter with the occasional tantrum, but then what’s a family without.
